I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize