Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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