dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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