plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
