I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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