My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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