I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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