The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
