I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
