I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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