Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
