i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
