he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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