If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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