last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
