Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
