The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
