Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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