Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
