you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
