Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
