guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize