Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Please, let me fuck your mom
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
