I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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