Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
