Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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