i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
