I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
