Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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