So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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