im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
