I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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