Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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