Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
