I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
