Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
