I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
