The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
