did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
