You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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