Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
