NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you had me at cake vodka
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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