separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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