the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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