omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
