Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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