i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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