I wish my penis had an off switch
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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