If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
