I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
