I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
