When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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