I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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