i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
