I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
