I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You need Xanax blowdarts
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
