Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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