i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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