All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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