she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
