I'm going to jail i love you
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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