Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
