do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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