My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
