Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
