Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
