Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize