You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
